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The Aristocrat

by Eric Schwartz

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1.
How can you stand there, with baby blue eyes And tell me you love me while tellin' me lies I don't know where you were but you weren't alone 'Cuz there's a picture of somebody's dick on your phone You almost pulled the wool over I gotta hand it to you It looks like your new guy is a straight shooter too. You're a dirty old dog with a bad little bone Cuz there's a picture of somebody's dick on your phone You went straight for the shower But you forgot one small thing You put it right on the nightstand And it preceded to ring So i took a gander, and what did I see One hell of a hammer starin back at me So nevermind dinner My crap's in the car I took the stash from the Freezer And the cash from the jar One little thing before i say my goodbye. There's tits on my Iphone to make both of us cry. So call me sometime And fuck yourself at the tone Cuz there's a picture of somebody's dick on your phone.
2.
January 21st, 2009 This weary world is at its worst But folks are feelin fine Cuz they voted in a winner Tofill a loser’s shoes But not everyone is happy For one guy things just got kinda crappy There’s a black man in the White House with the blues He’s sittin with a forty at the foot of Lincoln’s bed Bush’s bathrobe on his body, Clinton’s ice pack on his head Avoidin’ his advisors ‘cuz he already knows the news Two wars, a deep recession And one four year long depression For the black man in the White House with the blues He says “African Americans have struggled centuries To break out of their shackles and rise up from their knees We’ve come a ways from maids and slaves but who would ever guess We would top the hill with style but still be cleaning up some cracker’s mess?” January 21, 2013 he sends a call across the mall as the red states all turned green and prepare for the apocalypse the pundits have predicted on FOXNews And they're putting on their camo and they're hiding all their ammo from the black man in the White House with the blues As McConnell starts to muster another four-year filibuster of the black man in the White House with the blues Because he's told the white and shiny to place a wet one on the Hiney of the black man in the White House with the blues
3.
Well, Well, Well, Morning Bell Welcome back to the gentle hell of the average life With the average wife who cannot stand you Go ahead mister dead, shower, dress, make the bed She’s gone downstairs To make the coffee she will hand you as she sends you off Without so much as a peck on the cheek Well, well, well, Welcome to the Working, Wanking Week Hardee Har, there you are Inching your econo-car though a traffic jam With a thousand other suicidals Squeeze into a parking space Spackle on a happy face and climb the stairs To a tiny room without a title on the door Just in time for your quarterly critique Well, well, well, Welcome to the Working, Wanking Week Oooh I coulda been a cowboy Oooh that woulda been so cool. Eat your sandwich, make a call Retire to the bathroom stall Thinkin’ bout the Mets And the wizened floozy from accounting Open up the magazine Come across the Asian teen And whip it out But hush, when you hear the pounding in the adjoining stall Perhaps you’ll take a peek Well well well Welcome to the working, wanking Welcome to the working wanking circle jerking monkey spanking Welcome to the working wanking week
4.
I think it's time that i should settle down Bite the bullet, stop my running round Cuz darlin’ you're the best I’ve ever found And I've searched the whole wide world Girl, you’re everything a man could want Midnight lover, morning confidant This I swear to you, I forever shall be true Never mind those other girls All those other girls All those other girls All those other lovely supple younger girls You fucking whore you're trying to castrate me Just take my balls and get it over with I shoulda seen it from the start You’ve got a steel trap for a twat This I’ve always known I am man and men are wild and free I won’t have no succubus controlling me And it’s a blessing and a curse And for better or for worse Men were meant to walk the world alone All alone, all alone Getting up Going to bed Getting old Dying all alone I think it's time that I should settle down Bite the bullet, stop my running round Cuz darlin, you’re the best I’ve ever found Never mind those other girls
5.
6.
I don‘t know why I smoked that joint I was already stoned I don‘t know why I called that cab I was already home Nutella
7.
Order, order, order everyone, Finish up your doughnuts, set your PDAs to stun We've got so little time and we got so much to do And there's this tasty opportunity I gotta share with you Times are kinda trying in the corporate world today With the stinky liberal hippydippies standing in our way They whine about the worker, chain their children to a tree And they're using all these dirty words like transparency Now they're setting up the barricades and fouling up the street With the odor of patchouly and their stinky hippy feet Now they're stirring up the masses and they think they're really clever But we've got a secret weapon meet Senator whoever He's the latest in technology, a bonafide advance A walking opportunity a workaround in pants Note the flag in his left hand, waving high for all to see And his right hand set to shake whichever hand that pays his fee And that, my little piggies, is just where we come in. Our currency is currency, our objective is to win. We buy him suits and wingtips of impeccable design Then we give him golden fountain pens and tell him where to sign And when we've got him used to all the goodies we provide And we swear that we'll stand by him long has he stays on our side, We'll make it clear that if he crosses us his credit we will sever And mission accomplished. He's our senator whoever But there's more to this equation then a big campaign donation. We'll bankroll scads of issue ads 'til we saturate the nation And all the flag-waving bible-thumpers go for the throats Of all the whale-savin rump-a-humpers stumpin’ for votes And they are all too busy making a fuss To open up their eyes and realize their enemy is us You may be asking “how’s this different from what we’ve always done?” Well, after Citizens United, gentlemen, we’ve won. There is no max With superpacs you cannot over reach The supreme court finally figured out that bribery is speech Plus, with money buying lobbyists and lobbies buying laws Someone's gotta sign 'em so let's get behind the cause And keep your eyes upon the prize, the ultimate endeavor The purchase of the century, President Whoever President whoever
8.
Well, shut the fuck up Ann Coulter Shut the fuck up and die Shut the fuck up Ann coulter You colossal fucking asshole
9.
Do you drool as I do when I look at you My Darling? When gaze in my eyes Do you fantasize My darling? If so, there’s something I need you to know.... I can send you off dreaming at the end of the evening With a kiss and a song from my soul And when we awaken, such love we’ll making That it’s almost a crime how much time we’ll be taking Which is neat, but the fact is, I’m much like a cactus I harbor a tender inside Which is sweet, but my thick skin is studded with stickpins And if you approach you’ll be denied and stuck bloody red That being said let’s go to bed I will not mislead you, I never shall need you But miss, don’t you misunderstand I need, as you know, the things you bestow, So please give me something to miss when you g We can bathe in a fountain on the a snowy white mountain Tune our sighs to the cries of the birds But alone in the valley after the finale You’ll recall my warning words And hang your head That being said Let’s go to bed Or go right a head, baby, just walk away But take my advice, you’ll be glad if you stay I’ll set all attention to making you scream ‘Cuz there’s no motivation like low self-esteem Girl, you’ll surely be burned ‘cuz you’re not worth a damn Once you have learned what an asshole I am If that doesn’t sway you, well, give it a shot. But you’ve been admonished so don’t be astonished : When we kneel at the altar under stained glass and spire Then I abscond in a honda with a blond from the choir If that doesn’t give you pause, darling by all means proceed But be ready to bleed Like you never have bled That being said, let’s go to bed
10.
There ain’t nothing funny about male pattern baldness I said there’s ntohing funny About male pattern baldness So why are you all laughing? You’re all cold and heartless. Some will say “no, no, nay A toupee will save the day But who’s gonna save the toupee When the wind woos it away There ain’t nothing funny About male pattern baldness So why are you all laughing? You’re all cold and heartless. As for testosterone I do not think it’s fair That the shit that makes you horny Is the shit that kills your hair There ain’t nothing funny About male pattern baldness So why are you all laughing? You’re all cold and heartless.
11.
Jesus (4x) Jesus leave the bible belt alone Woh Jesus, Please Jesus Jesus leave the bible belt alone (Please leave us alone) We vote your will we pay your bills And here’s the thanks you’ve shown Jesus leave the bible belt alone I look up (way on up) To the sky (way on high) What you think I see flying by (it's a spinning' wind a blowin’) Twisters tearing the tops of trailer homes Jesus leave the bible belt alone I look down (wo yeah) At my feet (way down there) Four feet of water on the street (grab the cat and start a rowin') Can’t be global warming, no evidence is known Jesus leave the bible belt alone Woh Jesus, Please Jesus Jesus leave the bible belt alone (Please leave us alone) We vote your will we pay your bills And here’s the thanks you’ve shown Jesus leave the bible belt alone New York (ooh child) Is full of Jews, (runnin' wild) Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists and Hindus (A seethin' heathen breathin' zone) And they’re doing things up there No Christian could condone so Jesus please just leave the bible belt alone La Fires, (Hollyhell) They were set (Just as well) 9/11 done my men in the name of Mohamet (Was seven blown?) Why are we so weather-prone Jesus leave the bible belt alone Woh Jesus, Please Jesus Jesus leave the bible belt alone (Please leave us alone) We vote your will we pay your bills And here’s the thanks you’ve shown Jesus leave the bible belt alone Jesus I don’t mean to cause no fuss (Jesus please don't crash the bus) But how come all those acts of God have to act on us Chorus Woh Jesus, Please Jesus Jesus leave the bible belt alone (Please leave us alone) We vote your will we pay your bills And here’s the thanks you’ve shown Jesus leave the bible belt alone Break down Chorus Woh Jesus, Please Jesus Jesus leave the bible belt alone (Please leave us alone) We vote your will we pay your bills And here’s the thanks you’ve shown Jesus leave the bible belt alone Jesus leave the bible belt alone Jesus leave the bible belt alone
12.
I don’t know why we’re here I don’t know if that’ll ever be clear But I don’t care I don’t know if love is real Or if that’s something that I’ll ever feel But I don’t care Because time is short but the nights are long I’m a gentle man, but I try to be strong I’m gonna stand right up, gonna say it loud To all the ladies in the room so there’ll be no doubt Who is gonna fuck the singer? Who is gonna fuck the singer? I mean what I say and I say what I want I won’t roll no dice for no debutante So if you’re not averse to my Machiavelli tactics Reach down in our purses and raise your prophylactics Who is gonna fuck the singer? Who is gonna fuck the singer?
13.
Your birthday is comin’ Don’t worry; I’m aware I’ve been tryin’ to find you somethin’ Just to show how much I care But I just couldn’t tell Till I bought that Mademoiselle Now I know just what I’m gonna do Now I’m shaving off my muff for you Cuz Lately when we’re lovin’ You’ve seemed a little cross & then after when we’re brushin’ You refuse the dental floss Even when it was mint Yeah, but I can take a hint Now the only question’s one blade or two When I’m shaving off my muff for you My friends all keep axin’, “Girl, haven’t you tried waxin’ Or that depilatory creme?” My ex-friend Katy Lent me her Epilady A I found out how loud I can scream! There’s gonna be stubble But, darlin’, duty calls So get down there on the double If you want to keep your balls ‘Cause I scraped & I scratched Even had to pluck a patch ‘Cause even my Mach-3 wouldn’t do I was shavin’ off my muff… Yeah, shavin’ off my muff, babe I was shavin’ off my muff for you No other woman is gonna shave as close Now my little box of funk Looks like a Buddhist monk And not like no Chasidic Jew When I’m shavin off my muff Yeah I’m shavin off my muff Yeah I’m shavin off my muff for you
14.
You've quoted Proust and Socrates To try to get her on her knees But all you got was coffee running through ya If you want her on her back Next time try a different tack The poon-procuring Cadillac Hallelujah Blackbird is a worthy choice To display your great guitar and voice Imagine is another that would do ya But if you want the coup de grace, the pinnacle of panty loss It's the cotton-melting anthem Talkin' bout the Cohen song The one that's 14 verses long, But you wouldn't buy the sheet music Ya Jew-ya But you knew that you would make her wet When you stole it off the internet The approximated chords of Hallelujah This girl for whom you had the hots You had her huffing Jaeger shots Did a beer bong while exclaiming “booyah” There's no beverage at a bar To show a girl how hot you are Like saying “My favorite song is Hallelujah” You brought her flowers, bought her meal Sure that that would seal the deal But no matter what you tried, she never blew ya But now you've got the golden goose You're on a master cleanse of pussy juice Since you learned the tune to Hallelujah
15.
Your birthday is comin’ Don’t worry; I’m aware I’ve been tryin’ to find you somethin’ Just to show how much I care But I just couldn’t tell Till I bought that Mademoiselle Now I know just what I’m gonna do Now I’m shaving off my muff for you Cuz Lately when we’re lovin’ You’ve seemed a little cross & then after when we’re brushin’ You refuse the dental floss Even when it was mint Yeah, but I can take a hint Now the only question’s one blade or two When I’m shaving off my muff for you My friends all keep axin’, “Girl, haven’t you tried waxin’ Or that depilatory creme?” My ex-friend Katy Lent me her Epilady A I found out how loud I can scream! There’s gonna be stubble But, darlin’, duty calls So get down there on the double If you want to keep your balls ‘Cause I scraped & I scratched Even had to pluck a patch ‘Cause even my Mach-3 wouldn’t do I was shavin’ off my muff… Yeah, shavin’ off my muff, babe I was shavin’ off my muff for you No other woman is gonna shave as close Now my little box of funk Looks like a Buddhist monk And not like no Chasidic Jew When I’m shavin off my muff Yeah I’m shavin off my muff Yeah I’m shavin off my muff for you

about

This is a great fucking CD. No, Really. The download includes three bonus tracks. Not available on CD.

A-list Players who've played with Dr. John, Whitesnake, The Eagles, Weird Al, The Goo Goo Dolls, Shakira, and, seriously, way too many to name. But Really, Reb Beach, Guitar God, does the best blues solo in the history of blues solos on Male Pattern Baldness (ironically.)

If you want me to send you a hard copy of the CD, please make at least 17 bucks, or go to CDBABY.com to have them do it.

I thank you wholeheartedly!

Sir Schwartz

credits

released August 7, 2013

Written, Recorded, and arranged by Eric Schwartz at Claritone Studio in Hollywood, CA except where noted
Produced by Eric Schwartz with ample input from Will Kennedy
Mixed by Will Kennedy

Personnel:
Except where noted, Vox, Backing Vox, Keyboards, Acoustic Guitars, Flute,
Tambourine, Arrangements, except where noted, Eric Schwartz
Bass: Eric Holden: recorded at Seventh Level Studio, Hollywood
Drums: Craig MacIntyre, recorded by Brian Yaskulka at Seventh Level Studio, Hollywood
Percussion: Craig Macintyre, recorded at Claritone Studio
Horns: Tom Evans, recorded at The Cabin
Harmonica: Stevie Gurr

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Eric Schwartz Los Angeles, California

Eric Schwartz might very well be the only artist in history to get raves from Gloria Steinem and Hustler magazine. Starting out in the folk music scene, Schwartz found that his favorite shows were the one where at least four people walked out. On the comedy scene, he's performed at the Improv, The Laugh Factory, the Comedy Store, on Howard Stern's 100, on All Things Considered. ... more

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