The Aristocrat

by Eric Schwartz

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about

This is a great fucking CD. No, Really. The download includes three bonus tracks. Not available on CD.

A-list Players who've played with Dr. John, Whitesnake, The Eagles, Weird Al, The Goo Goo Dolls, Shakira, and, seriously, way too many to name. But Really, Reb Beach, Guitar God, does the best blues solo in the history of blues solos on Male Pattern Baldness (ironically.)

If you want me to send you a hard copy of the CD, please make at least 17 bucks, or go to CDBABY.com to have them do it.

I thank you wholeheartedly!

Sir Schwartz

credits

released 07 August 2013

Written, Recorded, and arranged by Eric Schwartz at Claritone Studio in Hollywood, CA except where noted
Produced by Eric Schwartz with ample input from Will Kennedy
Mixed by Will Kennedy

Personnel:
Except where noted, Vox, Backing Vox, Keyboards, Acoustic Guitars, Flute,
Tambourine, Arrangements, except where noted, Eric Schwartz
Bass: Eric Holden: recorded at Seventh Level Studio, Hollywood
Drums: Craig MacIntyre, recorded by Brian Yaskulka at Seventh Level Studio, Hollywood
Percussion: Craig Macintyre, recorded at Claritone Studio
Horns: Tom Evans, recorded at The Cabin
Harmonica: Stevie Gurr

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about

Eric Schwartz Los Angeles, California

Eric Schwartz might very well be the only artist in history to get raves from Gloria Steinem and Hustler magazine. Starting out in the folk music scene, Schwartz found that his favorite shows were the one where at least four people walked out. On the comedy scene, he's performed at the Improv, The Laugh Factory, the Comedy Store, on Howard Stern's 100, on All Things Considered. ... more

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Track Name: There's A Picture...
How can you stand there, with baby blue eyes
And tell me you love me while tellin' me lies
I don't know where you were but you weren't alone
'Cuz there's a picture of somebody's dick on your phone

You almost pulled the wool over
I gotta hand it to you
It looks like your new guy is a straight shooter too.
You're a dirty old dog with a bad little bone
Cuz there's a picture of somebody's dick on your phone

You went straight for the shower
But you forgot one small thing
You put it right on the nightstand
And it preceded to ring
So i took a gander, and what did I see
One hell of a hammer starin back at me

So nevermind dinner
My crap's in the car
I took the stash from the Freezer
And the cash from the jar
One little thing before i say my goodbye.
There's tits on my Iphone to make both of us cry.

So call me sometime
And fuck yourself at the tone
Cuz there's a picture of somebody's dick on your phone.
Track Name: Black Man In The White House
January 21st, 2009
This weary world is at its worst
But folks are feelin fine
Cuz they voted in a winner
Tofill a loser’s shoes
But not everyone is happy
For one guy things just got kinda crappy
There’s a black man in the White House with the blues

He’s sittin with a forty at the foot of Lincoln’s bed
Bush’s bathrobe on his body, Clinton’s ice pack on his head
Avoidin’ his advisors ‘cuz he already knows the news
Two wars, a deep recession
And one four year long depression
For the black man in the White House with the blues

He says “African Americans have struggled centuries
To break out of their shackles and rise up from their knees
We’ve come a ways from maids and slaves but who would ever guess
We would top the hill with style but still be cleaning up some cracker’s mess?”
January 21, 2013 he sends a call across the mall as the red states all turned green and prepare for the apocalypse the pundits have predicted on FOXNews

And they're putting on their camo and they're hiding all their ammo from the black man in the White House with the blues

As McConnell starts to muster another four-year filibuster of the black man in the White House with the blues

Because he's told the white and shiny to place a wet one on the Hiney of the black man in the White House with the blues
Track Name: Welcome to the Working Wanking Week
Well, Well, Well, Morning Bell
Welcome back to the gentle hell of the average life
With the average wife who cannot stand you

Go ahead mister dead, shower, dress, make the bed
She’s gone downstairs
To make the coffee she will hand you as she sends you off
Without so much as a peck on the cheek

Well, well, well, Welcome to the Working, Wanking Week

Hardee Har, there you are
Inching your econo-car though a traffic jam
With a thousand other suicidals
Squeeze into a parking space
Spackle on a happy face and climb the stairs
To a tiny room without a title on the door
Just in time for your quarterly critique

Well, well, well, Welcome to the Working, Wanking Week

Oooh I coulda been a cowboy

Oooh that woulda been so cool.

Eat your sandwich, make a call
Retire to the bathroom stall
Thinkin’ bout the Mets
And the wizened floozy from accounting

Open up the magazine
Come across the Asian teen
And whip it out
But hush, when you hear the pounding in the adjoining stall
Perhaps you’ll take a peek
Well well well
Welcome to the working, wanking
Welcome to the working wanking circle jerking monkey spanking
Welcome to the working wanking week
Track Name: Codependent Sonata
I think it's time that i should settle down
Bite the bullet, stop my running round
Cuz darlin’ you're the best I’ve ever found
And I've searched the whole wide world

Girl, you’re everything a man could want
Midnight lover, morning confidant
This I swear to you, I forever shall be true
Never mind those other girls

All those other girls
All those other girls
All those other
lovely
supple
younger
girls

You fucking whore you're trying to castrate me
Just take my balls and get it over with
I shoulda seen it from the start
You’ve got a steel trap for a twat
This I’ve always known

I am man and men are wild and free
I won’t have no succubus controlling me
And it’s a blessing and a curse
And for better or for worse
Men were meant to walk the world alone
All alone, all alone
Getting up
Going to bed
Getting old
Dying all alone

I think it's time that I should settle down
Bite the bullet, stop my running round
Cuz darlin, you’re the best I’ve ever found
Never mind those other girls
Track Name: I Don't Know Why
I don‘t know why I smoked that joint
I was already stoned
I don‘t know why I called that cab
I was already home
Nutella
Track Name: Senator Whoever
Order, order, order everyone,
Finish up your doughnuts, set your PDAs to stun
We've got so little time and we got so much to do
And there's this tasty opportunity I gotta share with you

Times are kinda trying in the corporate world today
With the stinky liberal hippydippies standing in our way
They whine about the worker, chain their children to a tree
And they're using all these dirty words like transparency

Now they're setting up the barricades and fouling up the street
With the odor of patchouly and their stinky hippy feet
Now they're stirring up the masses and they think they're really clever
But we've got a secret weapon meet Senator whoever

He's the latest in technology, a bonafide advance
A walking opportunity a workaround in pants
Note the flag in his left hand, waving high for all to see
And his right hand set to shake whichever hand that pays his fee

And that, my little piggies, is just where we come in.
Our currency is currency, our objective is to win.
We buy him suits and wingtips of impeccable design
Then we give him golden fountain pens and tell him where to sign

And when we've got him used to all the goodies we provide
And we swear that we'll stand by him long has he stays on our side,
We'll make it clear that if he crosses us his credit we will sever
And mission accomplished. He's our senator whoever

But there's more to this equation then a big campaign donation.
We'll bankroll scads of issue ads 'til we saturate the nation

And all the flag-waving bible-thumpers go for the throats
Of all the whale-savin rump-a-humpers stumpin’ for votes
And they are all too busy making a fuss
To open up their eyes and realize their enemy is us

You may be asking “how’s this different from what we’ve always done?”
Well, after Citizens United, gentlemen, we’ve won.
There is no max With superpacs you cannot over reach
The supreme court finally figured out that bribery is speech

Plus, with money buying lobbyists and lobbies buying laws
Someone's gotta sign 'em so let's get behind the cause
And keep your eyes upon the prize, the ultimate endeavor
The purchase of the century, President Whoever
President whoever
Track Name: STFU Ann Coulter
Well, shut the fuck up Ann Coulter
Shut the fuck up and die
Shut the fuck up Ann coulter
You colossal fucking asshole
Track Name: That Being Said
Do you drool as I do when I look at you
My Darling?

When gaze in my eyes
Do you fantasize
My darling?

If so, there’s something I need you to know....

I can send you off dreaming at the end of the evening
With a kiss and a song from my soul
And when we awaken, such love we’ll making
That it’s almost a crime how much time we’ll be taking

Which is neat, but the fact is, I’m much like a cactus
I harbor a tender inside
Which is sweet, but my thick skin is studded with stickpins
And if you approach you’ll be denied and stuck bloody red
That being said let’s go to bed


I will not mislead you, I never shall need you
But miss, don’t you misunderstand
I need, as you know, the things you bestow,
So please give me something to miss when you g
We can bathe in a fountain on the a snowy white mountain
Tune our sighs to the cries of the birds
But alone in the valley after the finale
You’ll recall my warning words
And hang your head
That being said
Let’s go to bed

Or go right a head, baby, just walk away
But take my advice, you’ll be glad if you stay
I’ll set all attention to making you scream
‘Cuz there’s no motivation like low self-esteem

Girl, you’ll surely be burned ‘cuz you’re not worth a damn
Once you have learned what an asshole I am

If that doesn’t sway you, well, give it a shot.
But you’ve been admonished so don’t be astonished :

When we kneel at the altar under stained glass and spire
Then I abscond in a honda with a blond from the choir
If that doesn’t give you pause, darling by all means proceed
But be ready to bleed
Like you never have bled
That being said, let’s go to bed
Track Name: Male Pattern Baldness
There ain’t nothing funny about male pattern baldness
I said there’s ntohing funny
About male pattern baldness
So why are you all laughing?
You’re all cold and heartless.

Some will say “no, no, nay
A toupee will save the day
But who’s gonna save the toupee
When the wind woos it away
There ain’t nothing funny
About male pattern baldness
So why are you all laughing?
You’re all cold and heartless.

As for testosterone
I do not think it’s fair
That the shit that makes you horny
Is the shit that kills your hair
There ain’t nothing funny
About male pattern baldness
So why are you all laughing?
You’re all cold and heartless.
Track Name: Jesus, Leave the Bible Belt Alone
Jesus (4x)

Jesus leave the bible belt alone
Woh Jesus, Please Jesus
Jesus leave the bible belt alone (Please leave us alone)
We vote your will we pay your bills
And here’s the thanks you’ve shown
Jesus leave the bible belt alone


I look up (way on up)
To the sky (way on high)
What you think I see flying by (it's a spinning' wind a blowin’)
Twisters tearing the tops of trailer homes
Jesus leave the bible belt alone

I look down (wo yeah)
At my feet (way down there)
Four feet of water on the street (grab the cat and start a rowin')
Can’t be global warming, no evidence is known
Jesus leave the bible belt alone

Woh Jesus, Please Jesus
Jesus leave the bible belt alone (Please leave us alone)
We vote your will we pay your bills
And here’s the thanks you’ve shown
Jesus leave the bible belt alone


New York (ooh child)
Is full of Jews, (runnin' wild)
Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists and Hindus (A seethin' heathen breathin' zone)
And they’re doing things up there
No Christian could condone so
Jesus please just leave the bible belt alone

La Fires, (Hollyhell)
They were set (Just as well)
9/11 done my men in the name of Mohamet (Was seven blown?)
Why are we so weather-prone
Jesus leave the bible belt alone

Woh Jesus, Please Jesus
Jesus leave the bible belt alone (Please leave us alone)
We vote your will we pay your bills
And here’s the thanks you’ve shown
Jesus leave the bible belt alone



Jesus I don’t mean to cause no fuss (Jesus please don't crash the bus)
But how come all those acts of God have to act on us

Chorus
Woh Jesus, Please Jesus
Jesus leave the bible belt alone (Please leave us alone)
We vote your will we pay your bills
And here’s the thanks you’ve shown
Jesus leave the bible belt alone

Break down

Chorus
Woh Jesus, Please Jesus
Jesus leave the bible belt alone (Please leave us alone)
We vote your will we pay your bills
And here’s the thanks you’ve shown
Jesus leave the bible belt alone

Jesus leave the bible belt alone
Jesus leave the bible belt alone
Track Name: W.G.F.T.S. (Who's Gonna...)
I don’t know why we’re here
I don’t know if that’ll ever be clear
But I don’t care

I don’t know if love is real
Or if that’s something that I’ll ever feel
But I don’t care

Because time is short but the nights are long
I’m a gentle man, but I try to be strong
I’m gonna stand right up, gonna say it loud
To all the ladies in the room so there’ll be no doubt

Who is gonna fuck the singer?
Who is gonna fuck the singer?


I mean what I say and I say what I want
I won’t roll no dice for no debutante
So if you’re not averse to my Machiavelli tactics
Reach down in our purses and raise your prophylactics


Who is gonna fuck the singer?
Who is gonna fuck the singer?
Track Name: Houston, We Have A Problem (Shaving Off My Muff For You) Dude Singer
Your birthday is comin’
Don’t worry; I’m aware
I’ve been tryin’ to find you somethin’
Just to show how much I care
But I just couldn’t tell
Till I bought that Mademoiselle
Now I know just what I’m gonna do
Now I’m shaving off my muff for you

Cuz Lately when we’re lovin’
You’ve seemed a little cross
& then after when we’re brushin’
You refuse the dental floss
Even when it was mint
Yeah, but I can take a hint
Now the only question’s one blade or two
When I’m shaving off my muff for you

My friends all keep axin’,
“Girl, haven’t you tried waxin’
Or that depilatory creme?”
My ex-friend Katy
Lent me her Epilady
A I found out how loud I can scream!

There’s gonna be stubble
But, darlin’, duty calls
So get down there on the double
If you want to keep your balls
‘Cause I scraped & I scratched
Even had to pluck a patch
‘Cause even my Mach-3 wouldn’t do
I was shavin’ off my muff…
Yeah, shavin’ off my muff, babe
I was shavin’ off my muff for you

No other woman is gonna shave as close

Now my little box of funk
Looks like a Buddhist monk
And not like no Chasidic Jew

When I’m shavin off my muff
Yeah I’m shavin off my muff
Yeah I’m shavin off my muff for you
Track Name: Hallelujah (Bonus Track)
You've quoted Proust and Socrates
To try to get her on her knees
But all you got was coffee running through ya
If you want her on her back
Next time try a different tack
The poon-procuring Cadillac Hallelujah

Blackbird is a worthy choice
To display your great guitar and voice
Imagine is another that would do ya
But if you want the coup de grace, the pinnacle of panty loss
It's the cotton-melting anthem

Talkin' bout the Cohen song
The one that's 14 verses long,
But you wouldn't buy the sheet music Ya Jew-ya
But you knew that you would make her wet
When you stole it off the internet
The approximated chords of Hallelujah

This girl for whom you had the hots
You had her huffing Jaeger shots
Did a beer bong while exclaiming “booyah”
There's no beverage at a bar
To show a girl how hot you are
Like saying “My favorite song is Hallelujah”

You brought her flowers, bought her meal
Sure that that would seal the deal
But no matter what you tried, she never blew ya
But now you've got the golden goose
You're on a master cleanse of pussy juice
Since you learned the tune to Hallelujah
Track Name: Houston, We Have A Problem (Shaving Off My Muff For You) Chick Singer
Your birthday is comin’
Don’t worry; I’m aware
I’ve been tryin’ to find you somethin’
Just to show how much I care
But I just couldn’t tell
Till I bought that Mademoiselle
Now I know just what I’m gonna do
Now I’m shaving off my muff for you

Cuz Lately when we’re lovin’
You’ve seemed a little cross
& then after when we’re brushin’
You refuse the dental floss
Even when it was mint
Yeah, but I can take a hint
Now the only question’s one blade or two
When I’m shaving off my muff for you

My friends all keep axin’,
“Girl, haven’t you tried waxin’
Or that depilatory creme?”
My ex-friend Katy
Lent me her Epilady
A I found out how loud I can scream!

There’s gonna be stubble
But, darlin’, duty calls
So get down there on the double
If you want to keep your balls
‘Cause I scraped & I scratched
Even had to pluck a patch
‘Cause even my Mach-3 wouldn’t do
I was shavin’ off my muff…
Yeah, shavin’ off my muff, babe
I was shavin’ off my muff for you

No other woman is gonna shave as close

Now my little box of funk
Looks like a Buddhist monk
And not like no Chasidic Jew

When I’m shavin off my muff
Yeah I’m shavin off my muff
Yeah I’m shavin off my muff for you